kaya
I met the most beautiful little girl the other day
and for a moment I was sorry that you were
never born
remembered the night I admitted that you lived
briefly in my body…
after too many drinks and no more words
to console the best friend
vomiting from morning after medicine
and coulda woulda shouldas
and at that moment I realized the words weren’t
grasping at straws but
another life that bled out of me with yours.
I would have named you Kaya
I don’t know what I would have told
my father
or yours
I didn’t like him very much
but he made me feel special
asked me
how I was so sexy and…
“was it good for you?”
without an ounce of the irony I reasoned
was the only reason I kept him around
don’t get me wrong
your Daddy was smart and cute and funny…
sometimes nerdy
he probably still is
I wouldn’t know
we don’t know one another anymore
didn’t even speak the year after when
we lived blocks away from each other
and when I think about the life
that bled out of me with you, he’s not in it.
The only way I could ever think of bringing
you into this world was the same way
I lived in it everyday
but that would have never been good enough
for you
imagine me
nursing you in the back of a collegiate classroom
reading your a story between latte steaming
How could I have written a thesis with a
crying baby in the library?
Would your juiceboxes have ever made it to
Take Your Daughters to Work Day
if I couldn’t stop cradling you long enough
to walk across that stage on Graduation Day?
but little Kaya I missed you
looking into that gorgeous baby’s solemn eyes
I saw the life that bled out of me with you in
first steps and first words and
you sleeping on my chest until I
was certain that you wouldn’t stop breathing
in the middle of the night
and I know it was for the best that I woke up
that morning
before I even knew your were sleeping inside me
with that life torn out of me
with the slim percentages of babies that
are actually born
i know when you join the right side
of that percentage
you will have a better life than WIC checks
and daycares I can’t be sure you’ll be safe at
You’ll be a blessing and not a
tomorrow I never had
I know this
but Kaya, baby girl, when I looked into those
little eyes and I saw the yesterday that didn’t happen
it didn’t seem so bad.
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